How to win arguments (when you're right)

[pktechgirlbackup]

This is a trick I have used with landlords, co-workers, and other assorted types. Say we are debating something, and I am right. I have explained my position, and they have explained theirs, and no one is budging.* They attempt to break the stalemate by repeating their position, loudly and with increasing implications that you are an idiot for disagreeing. You could respond in kind, but if you are female you risk being written off as hysterical, and even if you're male proof by intimidation is just a horrible way to go through life. But if calming stating your point worked, the problem would already be solved.

The trick I have found is to let them yell for as long as they want, saying absolutely nothing. They may talk for a very long time, but eventually they will tire themselves out (often much faster than if you interrupted them, although it won't feel that way at the time). Continue not talking. If you are there in person or on a webcam, look at them, but say nothing.** Eventually they will crack and attempt to solicit you, with something like, "okay?" or "so you're on board?". And you say "No." Depending on the situation, you may elaborate just a bit, with something like "no, for the reasons I've listed." but don't say anything more than that.

The benefits of this are manyfold. First, sometimes the other person will give in just to stop the silence. Second, even if you end at a stalemate, you deescalated the situation without giving anything up. You can come back- in a few seconds or a few days- with new thoughts*** or a letter from your lawyer and you haven't haven't said anything they can use against you, legally or socially. Third, regardless of where the argument ends, you don't leave it with the icky feeling you got bullied into something.

I am trying to think how I would feel if this technique was used on me. I think anything that slows down the pace of emotional arguments is a good thing. And I would like not yell, but if it's bad enough that I'm yelling am maybe not going to take correction very well; a long pause for me to slowly realize what I just did seems like the gentlest possible way to tell me. So this technique even passes the "do unto others test".



*the landlords may well have known I was right and been trying to intimidate me into backing down, but I assume good faith on the part of co-workers. That is the brilliance of this: it works either way.

** I like to think this is when certain co-workers being to realize how stunningly unprofessional they just were.

***I originally discovered this technique when I decided I was going to take as long as I needed to think of my response, and if that led to an awkward silence, so be it. The mindset of "I am thinking" over "I am waiting" may be important to its success, although "my co-worker's unprofessional behavior has literally shocked me into silence" also works.

Comments

[dukhat.livejournal.com]

One of my Aikido instructors has described an almost identical procedure to me.

[scythe-of-time.livejournal.com]

This is one of those things that is going to change my life. My main issue now is gathering the patience to implement it at the time of a confrontation.