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pktechgirlbackupSomething I meant to get to when talking about Chasing Amy but got distracted while trying to dump hump it was a curiosity of human relationships, in which "I've only ever done this with you." is somehow viewed as a greater compliment than "I've done this with five people, and like it best with you." It's not just sex either: (500) Days of Summer has an excellent example of how powerful the words "I've never told anyone this" can be.
This is so illogical on the face of it that I want to just dismiss it, but anything that strong has a reason. So here's what I've come up with for logically consistent reasons to prefer a small N. If we were only talking about sex, disease could be a possibility, but the phenomenon is bigger that that. One possibility is a healthy regard for the power of infatuation hormones, but that should attenuate as a relationship moves past that stage, which is not the case in the observed data.
There are also a few non-creepy ways to appreciate novelty: it's fun to introduce your partner to something new that they enjoy, and it's healthy to want them to be willing to try new things and take (appropriate) risks for/with you.
But the more interesting explanation is the decision to participate in act X with your partner (which, reminder, can be anything from a novel sex act to meeting your children) is not happening in a vacuum, it's based on your behavior up to that point. Being the first boyfriend worthy of accompanying your girlfriend to her favorite bar could be a sign that, based on all the data she already has, she thinks you're going to be together for a while. Viewed that way, there's at least some logic to it. However, I think this grossly overestimates human predictive capabilities. To prove this, I offer an example of rather obvious lessons I have witnessed be learned only after an intensive course at the school of hard knocks:
The list is funny because it all seems so obvious in retrospect, but when you're in the thick of it- the emotions, the hormones, the allure of wanting something and being wanted- it's easy to think that this time is special and the rules don't apply. And sometimes even very obvious mistakes teach you things. I have a theory that intelligence + will power can make a passable substitute for wisdom for a very long, but will ultimately fail, in part because avoiding problems that way is exhausting in a way genuine maturity is not. Not to brag, but the pain killer one? I would not have done that. But I do think that there is a time and a place and a person for which shared consumption of mind altering substances can be really beautiful. And while I can guarantee I won't do something as stupid as "stranger on a first date", I can't guarantee it will go well either. Or rather, the only way I could guarantee that would be to turn down a bunch of maybes, and quite possibly miss something awesome. The ideal number of false positives is not necessarily 0.
It's worse when you expand it out to non-sex and non-drugs. How do you know if someone is a good person to confide in? Well, after you've confided in several people you'll recognize, if only subconsciously, certain behavior cues. Without that experience, even a very smart person can't do more than screen out the obviously terrible ideas. This brings us back to the theory I stole from a friend that tween girls aren't evil, they're just experimenting with very new, very powerful forces and aren't good at them yet. And when they get good at them, they're much better off for it.
There is not a logical reason why Alyssa from Chasing Amy had to do so many clearly dumb ideas in order to find who she was. But I find it plausible that she did, and plausible that it would give her the certainty her boyfriend lacked. The greatest tragedy of the movie for me was that she had done that work, at considerable cost to herself, only to lose him because he hadn't.
There's an additional step here that's even harder to articulate. It's the emphasis on the first step of a path being the most important, when it should really be the least. This one needs more thought.
*This class is the real money maker for the school of hard knocks. It's always full, and most people repeat it several times before learning the lesson.
This is so illogical on the face of it that I want to just dismiss it, but anything that strong has a reason. So here's what I've come up with for logically consistent reasons to prefer a small N. If we were only talking about sex, disease could be a possibility, but the phenomenon is bigger that that. One possibility is a healthy regard for the power of infatuation hormones, but that should attenuate as a relationship moves past that stage, which is not the case in the observed data.
There are also a few non-creepy ways to appreciate novelty: it's fun to introduce your partner to something new that they enjoy, and it's healthy to want them to be willing to try new things and take (appropriate) risks for/with you.
But the more interesting explanation is the decision to participate in act X with your partner (which, reminder, can be anything from a novel sex act to meeting your children) is not happening in a vacuum, it's based on your behavior up to that point. Being the first boyfriend worthy of accompanying your girlfriend to her favorite bar could be a sign that, based on all the data she already has, she thinks you're going to be together for a while. Viewed that way, there's at least some logic to it. However, I think this grossly overestimates human predictive capabilities. To prove this, I offer an example of rather obvious lessons I have witnessed be learned only after an intensive course at the school of hard knocks:
- if a man offers you prescription pain killers on the first date, do not take them.
- If someone says he is not good enough for you, believe him.
- White knighting- bad idea.*
- If they'll cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.
- If they cheated on you eight times, they will probably cheat on you nine times.
- Loud and vehement hatred of drama is not a shield against messy emotional problems.
- Readers are invited to add their own in the comments.
The list is funny because it all seems so obvious in retrospect, but when you're in the thick of it- the emotions, the hormones, the allure of wanting something and being wanted- it's easy to think that this time is special and the rules don't apply. And sometimes even very obvious mistakes teach you things. I have a theory that intelligence + will power can make a passable substitute for wisdom for a very long, but will ultimately fail, in part because avoiding problems that way is exhausting in a way genuine maturity is not. Not to brag, but the pain killer one? I would not have done that. But I do think that there is a time and a place and a person for which shared consumption of mind altering substances can be really beautiful. And while I can guarantee I won't do something as stupid as "stranger on a first date", I can't guarantee it will go well either. Or rather, the only way I could guarantee that would be to turn down a bunch of maybes, and quite possibly miss something awesome. The ideal number of false positives is not necessarily 0.
It's worse when you expand it out to non-sex and non-drugs. How do you know if someone is a good person to confide in? Well, after you've confided in several people you'll recognize, if only subconsciously, certain behavior cues. Without that experience, even a very smart person can't do more than screen out the obviously terrible ideas. This brings us back to the theory I stole from a friend that tween girls aren't evil, they're just experimenting with very new, very powerful forces and aren't good at them yet. And when they get good at them, they're much better off for it.
There is not a logical reason why Alyssa from Chasing Amy had to do so many clearly dumb ideas in order to find who she was. But I find it plausible that she did, and plausible that it would give her the certainty her boyfriend lacked. The greatest tragedy of the movie for me was that she had done that work, at considerable cost to herself, only to lose him because he hadn't.
There's an additional step here that's even harder to articulate. It's the emphasis on the first step of a path being the most important, when it should really be the least. This one needs more thought.
*This class is the real money maker for the school of hard knocks. It's always full, and most people repeat it several times before learning the lesson.
