I am reading pick-up artist bible The Game for two reasons. The first is defense: negging would totally work on me if I hadn't read a formal description. Checking for other things like that is useful (plus I'm unconvinced I recognize all negging attempts and it would be useful to learn more). The second is that multiple reliable sources have told me that if you can separate the wheat from the chaff, it actually has some useful information. Bonus: the author, Neil Strauss, is actually a very good writer.
One thing that keeps striking me is how very, very close the techniques are to something that would come out of consent culture/sex-positive feminism. For example, take this exchange, where master pick up artist Mystery is teaching the his students how to move from flirting to kissing.
So far, so good. Excellent, even.
Hurray, words were used and everyone got what they wanted.
Shakier ground, but I think I'm okay with this, assuming a certain amount of body language reading.
Oh, so close.
I don't get how that would even be an effective technique. Even if I take the guy at his word, I'm left with someone who sees someone thinking about something, automatically assumes it's sexual interest in him, and then gets all huffy implying I was trying to take something he wasn't offering.
Or take this line, from founding father Ross Jefferies, on how to handle being friendzoned.
This is pretty good, until you learn that the sentence started out "I don't promise any such thing. Friends don't put each other in boxes." On the plus side, it is very nice of him to warn girls that he will never, ever respect their boundaries.
Then there's string theory. The idea is that, much like a cats are most interested in string that is just out of their grasp, women are most interested when you play a little hard to get, and the absolute worst thing you can do is make yourself more available. So if a girl, for example, pulls away when you touch her, you withdraw and make her initiate the next escalation. If possible, flirt with her friend. It's like they took the concept of respect for boundaries and covered it with asshole.
The other thing I notice is the role of PUA culture in homosocial bonding. Strauss talks repeatedly about how every guy but him just figured out how to do this stuff, and he never did, and he feels like a failure for it. Reading between the lines, I'd guess that going to PUA seminars was a serious vulnerability moment for him. He's admitting weakness and failure, but that admission is met with "me too" and "let me show you how to make it better." More speculatively, I think simply discussing techniques with other men might be filling a need for emotional intimacy with other men. It's not real emotional intimacy, but it looks similar enough to take the edge off the hunger, just like cat string theory is a facsimile of respecting boundaries.
One thing that keeps striking me is how very, very close the techniques are to something that would come out of consent culture/sex-positive feminism. For example, take this exchange, where master pick up artist Mystery is teaching the his students how to move from flirting to kissing.
"But how do you kiss her?" Sweater asked
"I just say 'Would you like to kiss me'?"
So far, so good. Excellent, even.
"And then what happens?"
"One of three things" Mystery said. "If she says, 'Yes,' which is very rare, you kiss her"
Hurray, words were used and everyone got what they wanted.
If she says 'Maybe' or hesitates, then you say 'Let's find out' and kiss her
Shakier ground, but I think I'm okay with this, assuming a certain amount of body language reading.
And if she says 'No' you say 'I didn't say you could. It just looked like you had something on your mind"
Oh, so close.
I don't get how that would even be an effective technique. Even if I take the guy at his word, I'm left with someone who sees someone thinking about something, automatically assumes it's sexual interest in him, and then gets all huffy implying I was trying to take something he wasn't offering.
Or take this line, from founding father Ross Jefferies, on how to handle being friendzoned.
[I promise to] never do anything unless you and I are both totally comfortable, willing, and ready
This is pretty good, until you learn that the sentence started out "I don't promise any such thing. Friends don't put each other in boxes." On the plus side, it is very nice of him to warn girls that he will never, ever respect their boundaries.
Then there's string theory. The idea is that, much like a cats are most interested in string that is just out of their grasp, women are most interested when you play a little hard to get, and the absolute worst thing you can do is make yourself more available. So if a girl, for example, pulls away when you touch her, you withdraw and make her initiate the next escalation. If possible, flirt with her friend. It's like they took the concept of respect for boundaries and covered it with asshole.
The other thing I notice is the role of PUA culture in homosocial bonding. Strauss talks repeatedly about how every guy but him just figured out how to do this stuff, and he never did, and he feels like a failure for it. Reading between the lines, I'd guess that going to PUA seminars was a serious vulnerability moment for him. He's admitting weakness and failure, but that admission is met with "me too" and "let me show you how to make it better." More speculatively, I think simply discussing techniques with other men might be filling a need for emotional intimacy with other men. It's not real emotional intimacy, but it looks similar enough to take the edge off the hunger, just like cat string theory is a facsimile of respecting boundaries.