Sep. 6th, 2013

pktechgirlbackup: (pktechgirl)
You'll notice a rather cryptic "Yet" at the end of my last post. At one point the idea of grabbing extrovert privilege for myself would have been anathema. But over the last few weeks there have been several times I felt the feeling I describe as "introverted out", yet really wanted to see specific people. I had to hold myself back because I knew if I went out I would disengage and everyone would be miserable, but that that was an intellectual understanding, not a gut level call for hibernation.

I'm coming to the conclusion that I was not sick of people, I was in sensory overload, and people happen to be highly stimulatory. This would explain why I keep telling people I'm going to relax by playing video games and then spend four hours doing a puzzle, and why I kept "wasting" my bus commute just listening to music instead of efficiently watching TV, or at least listening to a podcast. It explains why my misophonia has been worse lately, to the point I'm wearing earplugs to meetings and I don't even care if my co-workers think I'm weird. It explains why I'm intensely picky about touch some times but not others.

These explanations aren't exactly antithetical- there's a lot of evidence that introverts find life in general and social interaction in particular more stimulating than extroverts (which is why extroverts are more likely to have adrenaline-junkie hobbies, and introverts solo hobbies trend towards the quiet). And I've undoubtedly had genuine needs to introvert in the past. But trying to recharge these last few weeks felt like trying to force in a peg that wasn't quite fitting, and now it feels smooth. I feel more true to myself, and more hopeful about finding ways to make myself happy.

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pktechgirlbackup

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